My Rose Colored Glasses

SO…

There he was… a total eye catcher. A guy who was tall, handsome, funny, silly, and charming.  We were friends for a while, and I had just graduated high school. I went to this graduation party and there he was… I was weak.

It was beautiful, at first. He’d take me on shopping sprees, he’d take me out, and he was very romantic. He mastered his charm and we jumped RIGHT into the relationship.(Sign 1) Quick Involvement.  We spent every  hour together. At the time I thought, wow he really loves me huh. He actually wants to spend ALL his time with me? (Sign 2) In my mind it was like, I found true love, this was rare to me.. he was “different” I would say. It was an illusion. It never ONCE occurred to me that it was unusual for a man to NEED to have constant contact with me. “Where are you”, “Who are you with” “??” “Why are you taking so long to text back!”  “???”(Sign 3) Constant communication.

He limited my circle of friends, where I was he HAD to be. He said he wanted to be able to protect me all the time. I believed him. (Sign 4) Isolation. How romantic I thought. To others I was losing myself, but to me I believed it was love. I mean it was because he loved me right? Isn’t a man supposed to want to protect his woman all the time? He was the only one in my ear, I blocked everyone out. He was good. He had me right where he wanted me.  

1 year past. It got MUCH worse, the cycle started… The Cycle of Abuse.

He began dictating who I can hang with, where I could go, who I can talk to, and even what I can wear. Verbal abuse was how it began, then emotional, and then after a while physical abuse.

He had a gun, I remember him flaunting it. It’s like he wanted me to know he had one. I did not at the time think he would hurt me with it. After a while I actually would see a vision of him pointing a gun at me, with eyes filled with anger. crazy right?

There was a time when he locked me out in the balcony for not listening to him, he would scare me by getting in my face, letting me know his strength, push me, restrain me, break my things if I didn’t abide by him. Manipulative he was (Sign 5) It was my fault, he made me believe that if I had just did what he asked, if I didn’t make him so angry these things would not have happened. It was ALWAYS my fault.

He justified everything by saying I completed him, I was his everything, and how much he “loved me”. How sorry he was. I mean he was really good. Tears, begging, and even a ring. I mean he ACTUALLY asked me to MARRY him. I said yes. (Sign 6) Early commitment. I believed him, I really believed I was the problem. If I just get it right things will get better, like they used to be. I didn’t even realize I was starting the cycle of abuse over again by accepting his apologies, believing his token of love was genuine. It wasn’t. He can’t be alone. He needed me.

I never thought to put it together. SOMETHING IS WRONG, but he loves me. I can FIX him. Stories about how he used to torture animals for fun when he was younger, the relationship with his mother, all the women in his life. I thought I could CHANGE him. Common mistake.

Another  year went by, and I had my beautiful daughter in November of 2013. The ultimate goal. (Sign 6) He really had me then. NO one could ever have me now, he believed I was his property, we were.

THE CYCLE OF ABUSE: Tension, The Incident, Reconciliation and Calm or “Honeymoon Phase”

Phase 1: Tension

Our relationship really began to fall apart. We brought a baby into this world, into this. Another thing to fight about. I will never forget how he pushed me onto our beautiful brand new baby in the middle of an argument. I was in tears. How could he? I was a “cry baby” “why are you crying” “You’re so dramatic” he called me weak made me feel stupid, unattractive.  (Sign 7) Belittling.

My best friend turned 21. She had a family dinner I attended. Perfect. I was away from him. Enjoyed the freedom. I then came home to him enraged. “Why are you just now coming home!” angry I came home at a later time then expected. The dinner ran later than we all anticipated. He didn’t buy it. He accused me of doing everything under the sun. He always accused me of cheating and lying to him. To him I was never faithful. In reality it was him that wasn’t. 

We fought about me wanting to attend a university. I was in a Community college. He didn’t want me around too many men. He didn’t trust them around me, he would say. We fought about the thought of me in Atlanta unless he was there, he wanted to protect me. When really the thought of a better man taking his place was really  what he was afraid of. We fought about who followed me on Instagram, who texted me, who was that guy I hugged, why did I look at him like that, why do I fix myself up so nicely, who am I trying to impress, why didn’t I answer the phone fast enough, why I didn’t text him back, who gave me this gift, why do I still have it, EVERYTHING.

I won’t forget. It was the fourth of July 2014 a woman walking towards us and she stopped and said WOW your eyes are beautiful. I was so flattered. I just thought REALLY? I smiled. HE hated that. His response after she left with a smirk on his face was, “she only said that because you have that makeup on.” Am I not pretty without it? He wanted to immediately bring be low again. He did not want me to realize how beautiful I am, feel good about myself, know my worth. Nothing is more scarier to batterer than a CONFIDENT woman. THAT is how they keep you. HE had me.

Phase 2: The Incident

The pushing became him slapping me.”I would never actually hit you in your face” he’d use to say. HOW DID I MISS THE SIGNS.  What man actually fixes his mouth to even have to say something like that? He wanted to make all the times he has pushed me , grabbed seem harmless by saying that. I won’t lie, I would hit him back when he hit me. I was wrong. It made things worse. I threatened to call the cops if he ever put his hands on me again. Again? What a fool I was. Was I REALLY that in love?

One night when my daughter was about 3 months old we got into an argument about bottles. How petty. I so was tired.. I barely had any sleep. I ask him for a favor and it escalated. He said something hurtful to me and I said something back. He blacked out. He slapped me across my face and then grabbed me by the neck opening of my hoodie pushed me down to the ground and tightened it up against my neck standing over me. His eyes were black, mean, and soulless.”Don’t you ever say that again!” I could feel his breathe, see the veins in his eyes. That is how close he was. I was heartbroken.  He actually hit me again. I looked into those dark eyes and just could not believe what was actually happening. It’s getting worse. I loved him SO much and at that moment it destroyed me to realize the love was one way. I cried. I felt so pathetic.

911. The operator was on the line and he dropped to his knees scared. “How could you do this” believe that? How could I do this? As if I am the cause of everything. His entire attitude changed the moment I called 911. He begged. He did not want to go to jail again, he apologized. I believed him. I hung up. Not even seconds later. RAGE! He switch JUST like that, in my face, he took my phone. They called back and I fought with him to try and answer and yell into the phone. Two police officers showed up at the door. His entire demeanor changed. Calm, cool, collective man answered the door like there was no problem at all. He lied spoke to them respectfully, kind. He twisted up what actually happen. He got off. Man did I feel helpless. I mean do I have to actually be seriously hurt for something to be done?

My sweet baby girl, lying there in her bed watching mommy and daddy fight. Is this the kind of man I want my daughter to look up to? The kind of man she will date? Heartbroken. My heart slowly stopped loving him. I left.

Phase 3: Reconciliation

I received calls, text messages on how sorry he was. He would say  things like how could I actually call the police on him. He made me feel wrong for doing that. Said how I never handled my problems on my own. WOW. The way he worded it. He really knew how to get inside my head. He new how to bring out my insecurities. He knew how to win me back every time.

Phase 4: Calm

We got back together after a couple months. This is the phase that trapped me and many women in abusive relationships. EVERYTHING changes. Suddenly he is kind. He felt ashamed at what he has done. The things that upset him before no longer did, he promised to change, he did everything right. Said everything I wanted to hear. His charming ways came back. The man I fell in love with came back. I missed him. It just gave me false hope that he will actually stay that way. Believing everything will be ok, when really it’s just how you start the cycle all over again and it only gets worse. 

Controlling to manipulative to restraining to grabbing, to pushing, to destroying my things, to slapping. WHAT was next? Punches? I knew if I stayed in the cycle for a few more years I would probably be in a hospital or dead. Lets be honest it only took 3 years. I went through this cycle many times.

Luckily I had great friends and a loving family to help me see clearly, and not through rose colored glasses.

Phase 3 and 4 are called the honeymoon phase…the most dangerous because it can last a while and confuse the victim into believe everything is ok. This phase can last for x amount of days,weeks, months. This is just to win you back in.

After doing my own research I ended the relationship finally because I saw the honeymoon phase ending again and noticed the tension building up and I did not want to stick around until the “incident”. He never loved me. That wasn’t love. I love myself far too much. My daughter deserves better. I deserve better. 

3 and a half years of terror, I got my life back, my freedom. Keep Going Girl.